


Half a Heart

by tenchsbitch



Series: Half a Heart [1]
Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Babysitting, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:53:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenchsbitch/pseuds/tenchsbitch
Summary: A Bill/Reader slow burn.You have been Brian's babysitter for a while and Bill likes having your company, but he doesn't know how to admit it.I suck at summaries, I'm sorry.
Relationships: Bill Tench/Reader
Series: Half a Heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1907416
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

“What should we have for dinner, Bri?” You ask, ruffling the kid’s hair. He shrugged his shoulders. “Let’s see…” You opened the refrigerator, seeing the same dinner you made for Brian last week, some orange juice, milk, and a few bottles of beer. “Maybe we should just order some pizza, huh?” It was either that or the cereal on the counter.

Brian again only responded with a shrug of his shoulders, but you learned to see the difference in the body language. 

You reached for the phone on the wall and ordered dinner. “Do you want to watch tv?” No response. “Do you want to play?” He moved his head up and down once. “What do you want to play?” No answer. “How about cops and robbers?” No answer. “We could build a tower?” No answer. “We could play hide and seek?” A nod. “Okay, do you want to hide?” Brian nodded again. 

“Okay, I’ll count in here, and you go hide. I’ll count to 20. Just stay in the house, you can hide anywhere. Ready?” Brian nodded. “One.” You covered your eyes, listening to his footsteps. 

“Two.” Brian’s footsteps faded when he hit the carpet in the living room. “Three.” You continued to count out loud. “Four.” You heard the sound of Bill’s bedroom door opening. “Five.” Silence. 

You continued to count even though you didn’t hear anymore movement. “Eleven.” Still no sound. “Twelve.” Brian must have been content with his spot. “Thirteen.” You shifted on your feet. “Fourteen, Fifteen!” You announced. “Ready or not, here I come!” 

Your hands fell down to your side and you immediately headed towards the opposite end of the house. “I wonder where Brian went!” You spoke loudly. “Is he in his room?” You walked around, saying things like “Is he in his closet? Is under his bed? Nope. Not in here. Where could he be?” 

You searched his room and the bathroom, before moving to the hallway. You went into Bill’s room, where you had heard the movements earlier, but you didn’t find Brian in there either. “Brian?” You were started to get worried. It wasn’t until you left the room and entered the hallway that you noticed Bill’s office door was cracked open. You slowly opened it and saw Brian staring at pictures and files tacked onto a bulletin board in the hall. Pictures of victims and weapons and blood stains. They entranced you for a moment too, but the sound of the doorbell broke you away. 

You grabbed Brian’s hand and led him out of the room. “Come on, we’re not supposed to be in here.” You led him to the kitchen. “I’ll go get the pizza, can you wash your hands.” He nodded to you while you left the room with cash in your pocket. You came back with a warm pizza in your hands and set it on the counter. You got plates out and placed a piece of pizza on each one and then filled cups up with water and met Brian at the table. “Here you go, kiddo.” 

The two of you ate dinner mostly in silence except for the times you asked “how is it?” and “do you need more water?” Both times, Brian answered with a single shrug of his shoulders. You didn’t find the silence awkward like you used to. Instead, you found it peaceful. A break in the day where you could hear yourself think. Although, sometimes you wished Brian would speak more. 

You finished dinner and put the leftovers in the fridge. “It’s getting pretty late, let’s go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.” Brian didn’t respond, but he obediently headed to the bathroom while you finished cleaning the kitchen. 

Brian was in the bathroom and you were now tidying up the living room when the front door opened. “Sorry I’m so late” He dropped his suitcase at the door. “The meeting with the divorce lawyer took longer than expected. Is Brian in bed yet?” Bill’s voice quietly reached your ears. 

You were on your hands and knees picking up some of Brian’s toys. “Not yet, he’s probably getting ready for bed in his room.” You never broke eye contact from the toys on the ground while Bill walked down the hall to Brian’s room to tuck him in. You gathered the toy trucks and the wooden blocks and put them in a box together. 

Bill finished saying good night to Brian and came back to the living room with a trail of smoke leaving from his mouth and a bottle of beer in his hand. He sat down in his chair with a sigh, placing his beer on a coaster then resting his arms on the side and spreading his legs. “How was he today?” Bill asked while you sat on the couch across from him. 

You put your legs up on the couch. You and Bill always talked when he got home. He never said it, but he was lonely and after stressful days at work, he liked coming home and talking to someone. Nancy complained about how he never talked about work, but when he tried, she would cover her ears. The things he dealt with gave her nightmares and it became a point where his work would all be too much for her to listen to. 

“He was quiet today. Nothing unusual for him though. We had pizza for dinner. There’s leftovers if you want, I already put it in the fridge, but I can heat some up if you want.” 

You started to get up, but Bill held up a hand to stop you, “I’m okay. I’m not hungry.” He took a drag of his cigarette. You debated on telling him about how you found Brian in his office. “Is something wrong?”

You should know better that Bill would be able to see the trouble on your face. “Brian did manage to wander into your office during a game of hide and seek.” Bill closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. “It’s my fault really. I told him he just couldn’t go outside. I should have said your office was off limits—“

“No, Brian knows better.” He argued. It was silent for a moment and he realized that you must have seen some of the pictures as well. “Are you okay?” He asked with genuine concern on his tongue. 

Your memory flashed the pictures on the wall. “I’m fine. I know it’s your job. That stuff doesn’t really keep me up at night anyway.” You breathed out a laugh through your nose, but the room still felt awkward. “I don’t know how Brian can look at it though. I wish he would talk about it.” 

Bill blew smoke out of his mouth. “You know he’s in therapy. I personally don’t think it’s working. I haven’t seen any changes. Nancy thinks he just needs time, but I miss my son.” He confided in you. “Not that he was ever really close to me to begin with, but I feel like there’s a strain between us and I don’t know how to connect with him.” 

“Bill, I don’t know what to say—“ 

“You don’t have to say anything.” He put his cigarette out in the ash tray on the side table and took a sip of beer. “Listening is good for now. Anyway, I don’t want to keep you here. I don’t have much cash on me this time, so I’ll just give you the rest the next time.” 

The two of you stood up and walked towards the front door. He pulled his wallet out and handed you some money. You stood in front of each other in a comfortable silence for a moment. His eyes darted to your lips and you shuffled your feet, anticipating a move from the older man. However, you weren’t farewelled with a kiss, but an awkward handshake instead. You took the man’s strong grip and he opened the door for you. 

“I’ll see you next weekend?” Bill waved. 

“I’ll be here.” You smiled at him. You walked to your car, cursing yourself for the exchange you probably imagined. He was probably waiting for you to open the door yourself. But when you pulled out of the driveway, you could have sworn you saw his figure watching you leave. Maybe it wasn’t imagined after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Bill would give almost anything to stay in bed today. If he didn’t get out of bed, he wouldn’t have to take Brian to school, then he wouldn’t have to go to work, and then he wouldn’t have to go back to the lawyers’ office to finish up the divorce papers. And if he didn’t get out of bed, he wouldn’t be getting divorced. He knew that wasn’t an option, but he still wasn’t quite ready to force his body away from the safe comfort under the blankets. 

He closed his eyes and tried to picture the last time he woke up happy. It had been so long. Maybe it was the day they brought home Brian. Every day after that seemed to bring more and more stress. Not that it was Brian’s fault, but Bill practically became a father overnight, and he didn’t sign up for being a parent by himself. Although, he didn’t quite blame Nancy for giving up. Probably anyone who didn’t have a job like his, would feel overwhelmed about the whole situation. If he was completely honest, he did have some contempt against Nancy. She did just pack up everything and leave with his son. She was gone for days before she finally answered his calls and gone for weeks before she gave Brian over to Bill. 

“Dad?” A small voice broke Bill away from his storm of melancholy thoughts. 

“Hey, Bri.” Bill opened his eyes and put on a smile for his son who stood in the doorway of the lowly master bedroom. 

Brian’s eyes stayed focus on the ground. “I’m hungry.” Brian was a very simple kid, just a little more introverted than most. At least that’s what Bill told himself. 

Bill threw the comforter off of his body. “Well, let’s go see what we have.” He grabbed his robe, throwing it over his shoulders and tying it around his waist before leading Brian to the kitchen. He opened the fridge to see leftover pizza, beer, last week’s leftovers, and a nearly empty gallon of milk. “Cereal okay?” Bill asked Brian. He needed to go shopping. 

Brian shrugged his shoulders and Bill considered it a yes. He poured Brian a bowl of stale Lucky Charms. Most of the marshmallows had already been picked out of the box by Brian. 

After setting Brian up with his breakfast, Bill fixed himself a coffee with too much sugar and a splash of whatever milk was left in the jug. He took a seat near Brian, watching him eat, while sipping his warm coffee. “Finish up your breakfast, Bri, and then go brush your teeth and get dressed for school.” 

Brian nodded with a mouthful of cereal and left a bowl full of faded rainbow colored milk, dyed from the marshmallows, on the table. 

Bill stood up with a grunt, grabbing Brian’s bowl and placing it in the sink. He left his coffee on the counter while he went to go get dressed himself in his bedroom. He tossed his robe on the disheveled bed, heading to the closet. It looked empty without Nancy’s clothes and the sad thing was, he was starting to get used to it, but he could still remember where Nancy left her shoes and her cardigans. He could remember where she hung up the scarves she never wore. He remembered early in their marriage when he complained about how much space her empty shoe boxes took in the closet. 

Bill pulled himself back from his sad thoughts and grabbed out a gray suit. After he got dressed, he lit a cigarette, waiting for Brian on the couch. Usually the cigarettes made him less tense, but it wasn’t working today. That didn’t mean he would stop trying though. “Are you ready, Brian?” He stood up from the couch just as his son walked down the hallway. 

Brian responded with a quiet ‘mhmm.’ 

“Let’s go, buddy.” Brian followed just behind his father to the car, sitting in the passenger seat. It was a normal, quiet drive to school. The sound of the tires on the road and the low volume of rock music and radio hosts filled the car. Today, Bill appreciated the silence. It was a welcoming distraction from his constant headache, thinking about Nancy. “Y/n’s going to pick you up from school today.” Bill told his son before he got out of the car that morning. 

“Okay.” Brian said and opened the door. 

Bill watched his son walk alone down the pavement while the other kids walked in pairs or groups. He hoped that he at least had friends waiting out of sight or even in his classroom, but deep down, he knew that there was no one waiting for his son. A horn honked and Bill waved an apology, despite wanting to show a different gesture to the casual dressed man behind him. 

One stop at the gas station to for cheap coffee and Bill was on his way to work. He was thankful that today all that was on his schedule were meetings at the home office. And he was thankful that none of them were with OPR. Luckily, no one on his team— Holden— made any stupid decisions lately and things were finally looking up for the team. 

“Oh, you’re here, we can get started now.” Bill was greeted by the ‘All Business, No Play’ Holden when he opened the door to the office. He took his seat next to the youngest agent in the room.

Wendy passed down a file to Bill. Greg summarized it by memory, “Mark Alan Smith, sentenced to life in prison for the murder of 4 women.”

“But they suspected him of more overseas.” 

“Overseas?” Bill asked.

Wendy answered, “He confessed to killing eight women in Germany while he was stationed as a marine, but he was never prosecuted for them.” 

Greg and Holden took turns going over the case to the group. 

“So when are we meeting with him?” Holden asked, a little too enthusiastically for Bill’s liking, but he was used to it by now. 

“We’re hoping sometime in April, but Gunn hasn’t approved it yet.” Greg said. 

Bill gave Wendy a look like that said ‘then why are we talking about him?’ Wendy understandingly informed Bill on why. “Gunn wants you and Holden available for the call in from Indianapolis.” Another look from Bill, what’s that about? 

Of course, Holden already knew about it. “There’s been talk on the news about a couple college students going missing and the locals are scared they might have a serial killer. Gunn wants us on that?” He directed the question to Wendy who closed her Mark Alan file. 

“He actually wants the both of you in on the conference call with the local PD this afternoon—“

“I have a meeting with the divorce lawyer.” It wasn’t news to them that Bill was getting divorced. 

Holden spoke with simplicity. “Skip this one.” 

Bill shook his head at the younger man’s ignorance and insensitivity. He wanted to say that he can’t miss it. He wanted to say that it’s mandatory, that they would have to restart all the paperwork and it would take weeks to get back where they were now, but he knows that if he shows up to the meeting and Nancy somehow found out that he turned down his work for a divorce instead of all the times she asked him to stay home with her and their kid, she would resent him forever. Even more than she already did, so Bill has to cancel it. He sighed and felt himself slump further into his chair.

Holden was blind to the somber state of his coworker. “Great!” 

Great? Bill thought to himself. Was it great that he was failing at his work and with family? Or was it great that he was once again, being pushed to follow the younger agent to the ends of the earth by the director who didn’t trust him enough to keep his mouth shut? Neither of those things sounded great in his head. Did it slip through Holden’s mind that Bill had a real kid at home that he’s supposed to be responsible for? Nancy always admonished him for choosing work over his family, so much that when he was put in the position that he had to do it again, her words replayed in his head and stung his heart. It wasn’t like Brian couldn’t deal with the absence. Brian understood that Bill had to work. He just wished he could provide some sort of consistency for the kid. 

“Bill?” He was pulled away from his self narration. When he gave a blank stare, indicating that he wasn’t listening, Holden spoke again. “Are you ready?” He asked. 

Was it noon already? How long had he been deep in his thoughts? He nodded and stood up from the table with a grunt. When did his body start aching this much? Maybe he was just tired. He followed behind the much faster and chipper younger agent, hoping that he’d take the lead in the meeting and Bill could just sit back and listen. He wasn’t in the mood to strategize today. He wasn’t in the mood for anything lately, other than staying at home with his kid. He wished he could have been a more involved father. He wished he could have been a more involved husband and cursed himself every day for being too invested in his work to keep a marriage to the woman he loved for all of his life. 

Stepping out of the elevator, he heard the music from his mind as the doors closed behind him. His eyes felt glazed over as he headed toward Director Gunn’s office. He was expecting a warm greeting from the man like usual, but when they arrived, the secretary asked them to sit in the waiting area. His eyes changed were still glossy and if it wasn’t for his eyebrow furrow, Holden wouldn’t have known that he was confused by the request. Holden shrugged his shoulders as a way to say, ‘I don’t know.’ They sat down in the uncomfortable padded office chairs. Bill noticed fuzzy balls on the carpet and stains he’s never seen before. He concluded that they were coffee stains and recalled the times Sheppard sent his secretary on coffee runs because he hated the taste of the decaf shit they kept in the cafeteria. 

“Gentlemen!” The voice of Ted Gunn approached the Bill and Holden. “Sorry to keep you waiting. Come on in.” He held the door open and closed it directly after the men stepped foot inside the conference room. “I have Dave Nichols on the phone from Portland PD. Go ahead Dave.” 

The mechanical-like voice came from the speaker phone. “Thanks. I was just telling Ted about this case. We’ve got 3 missing college girls and we have no solid suspects right now. With a college this size, anyone or no one could be a suspect.” 

“Do you have any bodies?” Holden asked, leaning in towards the phone. 

The voice from the phone replied, “No, just missing girls.” 

“We don’t think they just dropped out?” Holden asked.

“We talked to the families and they haven’t seen their daughters or received ransom calls. It’s like these girls just vanished off the face of the earth.” Bill rolled his eyes. 

Ted was ready to ask the next question. “Dave, is this an invite?” 

There was hesitation and Bill already knew what the answer was going to be. “Yes, Ted. We need some help finding out what happened to these girls.”

The phone call ended sometime after that. “Great! You two go home, pack a bag and we’ll set you off on the jet.” Ted spoke with a smile that Bill would have associated with a bad guy in a spy movie had he not known the guy. 

Bill gave his boss an understanding nod and walked with Holden, a good few steps behind the entire time as he was plagued by fatigue. They didn’t have time to go back downstairs and say goodbye to Wendy or Greg. Not that he wanted to say goodbye to them, it just would have been the respectful thing to do. He’d have to call Wendy when he got home to fill her in and apologize for not being there for the research. 

First thing’s first, when he got home, he had to call you. Brian would understand. At least, that’s what he told himself as he tried to keep his eyes from closing on the drive home. It was muscle memory for him to drive home. He didn’t have to think about the next turn or the next stop. He just wanted to be home and away from the bad news and death for just a little while, but it was clear that nobody would be giving him the break he wanted anytime soon. 

Bill pulled into his driveway and sat in his car. He pulled the key out of the ignition and just stared through the window at his closed garage. He wanted to go hide in his bed, but what he really needed was a beer. So he took a deep breath and took hold of all of his energy to leave his car and walk his heavy mind through the front door. He still half expected to hear Nancy at the sink washing dishes every time he came home early. Or walk into his bedroom late at night and see her sleeping figure glowing from the television on the dresser. Then he’d be disappointed all over again when she wasn’t there. It took him back to the night he came home to a completely empty house. 

He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and leaned against the counter before reaching for the phone beside him. He took a minute to remember your phone number and finally dialed it. He waited for the ring. 

“Hello?” He was taken back by your voice.

“Y/N, hey, It’s Bill. Listen, I just found out I have to go out of town today and I don’t have anyone to watch Brian. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone yet. I’m sorry for the late notice, I just found out myself.” He sounded so apologetic. 

“Oh, um, Okay. I can pack a bag and stay at your house with Brian. Is that okay?” You’d never stayed the night at his house before. 

“That’s perfect. Thank you so much. Brian’s going to love having you stay here.” Bill wished he could stay home to at least say goodbye to his son. “I’ll try to call tonight, but don’t wait up for me. I don’t know when I’ll be at the hotel.” 

You reassured him. “Should I… Do I need to pick up some dinner for him?” 

“Oh shit!” You heard him blame himself and you could imagine the slap on the forehead he gave himself, along with a rub on his tired eyes. “I was going to go shopping tonight.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.

“You’re a life saver, y/n. I owe you, big time.” 

I’ll be expecting a bonus in my paycheck though.” You joked. 

For the first time in a long time, Bill smiled. It wasn’t enough to make him laugh, but he smiled a genuine smile and you could hear it in his voice as he thanked you one more time. 

After getting off the phone, Bill started packing a bag. He imagined that you were doing the same thing as he got ready for his flight. Only it wasn’t the same because he was leaving his family behind and you were taking his place for who knows how long. He was kicking himself for always choosing work over his son, but at the same time, it wasn’t always his choice. He had to make sacrifices to make sure Brian had everything that he needed. Even if the thing he needed most was a father.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little boring, but they don't call it 'slow burn' for nothing. Also I just found out today that David Fincher isn't going to renew Mindhunter so RIP to the show I guess.

Keeping Brian entertained for a whole day wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be. He is a simple kid and mostly likes to play by himself with a train set or wooden blocks. He mimicked the sounds of a Choo Choo train and occasionally had it crash into a tree or run over a toy car that stuck on the tracks. When he played with his blocks, he liked to build tall towers and when they didn’t fall over on their own, he knocked them down with a toy airplane. He imagined the tower going down battling a fog of smoke and fire. It would have been frightening if you didn’t hear him recreate the sounds of sirens. His white toy ambulance raced to the rescue of the imaginary people stuck inside the tower. He had a big firetruck toy that would be the size of the wooden tower if you held it up. He murmured the ‘shhh’ sound of water spraying to put out the fake fire. 

“Brian, are you hungry?” You distracted him from the burning skyscraper. He only nodded his head once. “I made some eggs.” 

“Okay.” He sounded like his father. Neither one of them were very talkative. You fixed him a plate. The white plate somehow contrasted with the yellow of the eggs and made them look even brighter. Brian didn’t care to examine the sloppy scrambled eggs. He stabbed the soft breakfast with his fork and quickly scarfed down the food. 

“Slow down, Brian, your food’s not going anywhere.” He coughed up a piece of egg into his mouth and swallowed it back down with a drink of milk. 

You sat beside him, sipping your warm coffee and relishing that the moment felt so incredibly domestic. At least until Brian burped and distracted you from the idea that everything felt so perfect. “I’m finished.” He said, pushing his plate away from him. 

You shake your head with a smile and take the plate from the table. “Can I try your coffee?” He asked. When you got back from the sink, Brian slid the mug over to sit where his plate was a moment ago. His head hovered over the cup, feeling the steam hit his face and create condensation on his nose. 

“Does your dad let you drink his coffee?” Brian shook his head ‘no’ and pushed the cup back to your side. As you took your seat, your pushed the mug back towards him. “Don’t tell your dad.” You whispered and saw a sparkle in his eyes. He smiled and eagerly lifted up the cup. He blew on the hot liquid and put his lips on the opposite end of the cup that you were drinking out of. When the taste of the coffee settled on his tongue, he scrunched up his nose and closed his eyes tightly. You watched him spit it back out into the cup and it made you laugh. 

“How do you drink that stuff?” He said with a cough. 

You took the cup he handed back to you and looked at the recycled coffee. There was no way you were going to drink it now. “It’s not that bad.” You laughed at his still scrunched up face. “It helps wake you up.” You tried to explain to the young kid. 

He took a drink of his now warm milk. “Milk helps wake me up.” 

“Sure it does, buddy.” You laughed. “So, what are we gonna do today?” 

He just shrugged his shoulders. He was already speaking more than he normally did and he must have decided that was enough for now. 

“We could….” Suddenly your mind went blank and you couldn’t remember what you liked to when you were kid. You physically scratched your head, hoping something would come to mine. “What about the park?” You wanted to be home in case Bill called, but you felt bad keeping the kid inside all day. Didn’t most kids like to go outside? 

“I don’t like the park.” He shrugged his shoulders again and pursed his lips. You looked at his body language change. His body stiffened, yet he seemed to slouch and hold his arms together like he was trying to roll himself into a ball. 

“Why not, Bri?” You crouched down in front of his chair to look him in the face. He didn’t shrug his shoulders this time, just stayed still and silent. “Are the kids mean to you?” That was something you knew about. “Kids were mean to me when I was your age too.” 

He looked up to see you. “Really?” For him, it was hard to think about others like that. It wasn’t in his nature to worry about other people. Since he was born he realized that in this world, you had to do what it takes to survive. 

“Oh yeah. All the time.” You anticipated his next question. He was obviously wondering how you dealt with it. “I spent a lot of my time inside, drawing and writing. I wasn’t very brave. I know you are though, Brian.” You did believe that. He was an introverted, adopted kid and he was the light of Bill’s life. Bill wouldn’t have opened his home up to just anyone else he saw potential in them. He saw something in Brian and you saw it too. 

You could tell by the way Brian kept his head down that he still wasn’t too keen on the idea of going to the park. 

“Tell you what,” you held his head up by propping his chin up with your thumb and forefinger. “We’ll head to the park together and if you decide you don’t like it, we’ll come straight back home. Huh? How does that sound?” 

He still didn’t want to look up, but he replied, “okay.” 

You were way more excited than him. It was obvious by the way you stood up and said “great” that you were just trying to get him a little bit more enthused about the small field trip. You quickly packed a small bag of snacks including a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some chips and a banana, hoping he’d work up an appetite by playing. You also brought water bottles. He rode in the front seat of the car, keeping his hands in his lap and getting lost in his mind. 

Brian was like his father with how he liked to be quiet. He liked getting in his own head. He felt safe there. No one knew himself better than he did, so he felt comfortable. He felt like he could never get hurt if he was able to block out everything else. 

Unbothered by the silence, you were focused on the road. The park was only a couple blocks away so you were in and back out of the care in a quick moment. He stood by your side in the small parking lot outside of the playground. It wasn’t packed with small children, but there were some. Some of the kids looked familiar. You’d seen them in the neighborhood before on the days Bill called you over to babysit. 

Brian wanted to hold your hand. You could tell he was feeling a little uncomfortable. He normally didn’t even play on the playground at school. His teachers told you that before when you picked him up from school. 

“We’re a little concerned about him. He doesn’t have any friends. If he’s not walking along the border of the playground, he’s sitting against the wall. He sits alone at lunch.” You didn’t know what to say. You were just the babysitter. You hadn’t even been babysitting him for that long when it was sprung on you by his teacher. It didn’t surprise you that they crossed the boundaries like that. You were a product of public school too, after all. 

So, you took Brian’s hands and squatted down so that you were lower than him. It made him feel stronger to look down on an adult. 

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can go right back home. It’s your choice.” 

His choice. There wasn’t very many opportunities for him to really make a big decision. He was usually with Bill when his choices meant picking between chocolate or vanilla? Red or blue? Pizza or Chinese? It was safe to say that he liked having a choice. He liked being in control of the situation. It made him more comfortable to know that he had the say in how things would work out. 

“I want to stay.” He allowed a smile to linger on his face longer than he normally would. 

It warmed your heart to hear him say those words. You mirrored his smile. “What do you want to do first?” You pushed on your knees to stand back up. “Swings?” 

Brian just nodded back. Suddenly he didn’t feel so confident in his choices as he saw a couple kids swinging. The few times he ever used the swings at school, he dragged his feet the hole time, drawing pictures in the worn out wood chips below him. The kids he saw now were swinging faster and higher than he’d ever seen before. He imagined them swinging over the bar above them or being thrown from the hard plastic seats. Neither one of the images in his mind helped him settle his mind on the decision. 

You noticed the return of his unsettled state of mind. This was a time where he didn’t mind not being in control. Let someone else decide where he’d go and hope that they led him somewhere safe. 

“How about we go to the slide first and when those kids leave, we’ll go to the swings?” 

The perfect solution in his mind. Waiting. He could do that. He was comfortable waiting. He spent most of his childhood waiting. Waiting on his next meal. Waiting to be adopted. 

You held onto Brian’s hand with one hand while you held onto the snacks and water bottles in your other arm. He kept a good couple feet behind you as you led him to the blue and yellow playground, buried underneath wood chips. He stepped over the black plastic that bordered the playground and happily jumped down onto the wood chips below. The second his feet touched the ground, he let go of your hand and raced to the metal steps. You watched as he walked across a wobbly, plastic bridge and up a couple more steps. He went past the first slide, and the second slid, going straight to the top, to the spiral slide. And down he came like a corkscrew. 

“Yay, Brian!” You clapped, watching him happily jump off of the plastic tubing and onto the wood chips below. He repeated the adventure on the slides a few more times. 

Once, he insisted on going down on his stomach and you allowed it after a little bit of the silent treatment from the boy. It resulted in him getting large wood chips stuck to his hand and red marks and imprints from the wood on the palm of his hand. He didn’t seem to mind, but you remembered it hurting when you were a kid. 

Brian went down the other slides a couple times. But didn’t find them as fun. His last trip to the ground, he made on the metal pole and spun down it. “Hey, Bri, it looks like those kids are leaving.” You casually pointed to the swings, noticing that the two kids jumped off of the swings and were being ushered away by an older woman. 

The moments on the swings didn’t last very long. He lost interest in them very quickly, so when he was ready, you took him to the car, gave him his snack and drove him the short distance back home. Brian was sleepy on the way back and you were starting to feel it too. The summer heat took a lot of energy out of the two of you and you were both in need of a nap. 

When you arrive home, You offered to carry Brian inside, hoping he’d keep his tired form and go in for a nap. You tucked him in on the couch, turning on the tv for some background noise and you sunk down into Bill’s chair. Before closing your eyes to drift off, you noticed the blinking light of the landline. Someone left a message. You summoned your energy to lift your hand up and reach for the phone to hear the message. 

“Hey, it’s Bill. I just got back to the hotel. I guess I missed you guys. Tell Brian I love him. And I left some money on the table if you need to go buy some more groceries or something. I’m running out of time. Anyway, thanks for babysitting him again. I really appreciate it.” 

You smiled at the obvious shyness of leaving a message. It made him sound younger than he was. You were getting ready to call him back, thinking of what to say, when your eyes closed and you fell asleep in his chair in the corner.


End file.
